For the longest time, I’ve lived my life wanting something. I never knew exactly what it was, but I knew for sure I didn’t have it.
I had probably made all my life choice following that impalpable crave. As I grew up, started working and dating, my wanting grew even deeper. But I was hopeful for a while. I was trying every minute of my day. I wanted to make it happen. I wanted to fill that void with something. But the more I tried, the wider the gap became.
Not having enough time-filling hobbies, I was expecting my relationship and friendships to completely bridge the gap between me and whatever it was that I was lacking.
Most of the times, I would resort to conversations. I would talk to my close friends and complain, explain, rejoice, become hopeful, become disillusioned and so on. I stayed open, yet half-focused as if when talking to someone while looking for that tiny gemstone that dropped from my ring. Sometimes, I would expect my partner at the time to entertain my need to talk about things, but that deepened my dissatisfaction even more. He felt that shapeless desire and it was something he could not satisfy. That brought about a lot of frustration on both sides and it was definitely not fair to the one bearing the pressure of closing an unseen gap.
All the while, I was reading, being overly social, absorbing whatever knowledge I could in the hope that the “something” that was missing will pop up and quench the thirst that seemed to haunt me from immemorial times. You can imagine I wasn’t the most ideal candidate to date at the time. Probably exuding a vibe of potential and vitality infused with immaturity and neediness, I was quite a handful at times. On my side, I was always trying to put up a cool front which was extremely draining. I remember having a random conversation with a friend who casually told me to “chill” and that made me so mad. I specifically recall thinking, “I AM chill, damn it!”
This went on for a period close to about five or six years. I was relying entirely on those around me to achieve happiness while feeling like everything’s not quite good enough. There was one big chunky missing puzzle piece and I felt I was seeking something new that seemed to be waiting for me just a step away from where I was. All the while, I maintained a plastic smile while feeling that I wasn’t able to synchronise with my real self which was constantly shifting and eluding me.
The “breakthrough” moment happened kind of seamlessly, though in retrospect, it was quite an abrupt shift. As it happens to many, it came with a book. A friend had mentioned the book once, but I hadn’t acquired it. A few months later, another friend gifted me the same book for my birthday. Many have similar experiences and you will hear the story of the life-changing book, friend, stranger, journey, event, day and so on and so forth. I believe it’s not important what prompts us to shift our awareness, but what matters most is the moment when we open our doors of perception and receive life’s gift of happiness. That is why I won’t name the book just yet, but I will come back to it and tell you more in a future post.
By the time I had read the book, I had been searching and exploring consistently, but it was that one moment that brought everything together and allowed me to see the patterns of my life. It was as if I was working on a jigsaw puzzle without having a clue of what the image represented. I was adding pieces every day without really seeing the picture that was always there. The book did just that. It helped me to take a step back and get a full perspective of what was going on in my life.
In my spiritual “Aha!” moment, I became aware that nothing was wrong, everyone was right, there’s no such thing as bad decisions and it’s not a matter of “why” things happen a certain way. My awareness shifted naturally, but in a very concrete way that didn’t allow for doubts or second guessing.
I was suddenly able to see that my partner at the time had never done anything wrong and that he was on his own amazing journey being the hero of his personal story. More so, I saw how hard he had been trying and got a feel of the heavy loads he had been carrying for me on our bumpy road. I also saw how all the guilt I had built up was not meant to burden me, but to show me that I wasn’t on the right path.
All my friends and people I randomly met started fitting into the puzzle magically and nothing seemed to be a coincidence anymore. I felt an intense love for all those around me because I could get glimpses of what their paths were like and I understood there’s nothing to question people for. They all have an original story to tell and all stories are equally precious.
In a nutshell, I learnt that It’s Not About Me and I realised that this knowledge applied to my partner’s story too. He had never done anything to me or against me, he was merely walking on his path while living his own dream. This awareness allowed me to dive into my greatest fear – moving away from his path and starting my own private journey.
From that point on, my life changed in unexpected ways. I stopped seeing things is terms of “WHY is this happening?” and started becoming aware that whatever is, I myself have created it for a reason. That reason may not be clear when I demand for it, but there is a reason for that too. I’ve learnt about the importance of the Waiting Space and that life is meant to be lived in gratitude in every moment. Every breath we take is a step forward on our path, all we need to do is acknowledge and accept it. Every breath is a moment and it comes with unimaginable depth if we receive it as a precious gift.
If you’re feeling the heavy loads of your questions and doubts on your journey now, I hope that you can have a moment’s rest knowing that it’s all coming together even if it doesn’t seem so. You are on the right track and all the answers to your deepest questions are already there, along the path, waiting patiently for you to be ready to hear them.