I was recently talking to a close friend during the time leading up to her break up and after, and some interesting things came up during our free-flow type of discussions.
I witnessed my friend progressing from a state of extreme sadness and bitterness, with lots of questions, doubts and restlessness, to a newfound state of calm awareness.
During the time things were falling apart in her relationship, it was painful to see her trying to rationalise why it should work while coping with the fact that it wasn’t. Her mind kept telling her, “If only we wouldn’t quarrel, that would solve all the problems.” Her doubts were taking a toll on her health and I could see her clothes getting looser by the day.
We had casual conversations during rushed lunches and I was surprised to see that she didn’t totally dismiss my thoughts when I started sharing snippets of beliefs I had accumulated from my own experience.
What I had to share, things I strongly believed in, made sense to my friend and, long story short, she overcame her break up much faster than I had anticipated.
Among many things that have been said, my friend revealed that what has struck her the most was my saying that relationships don’t have to be all about compromising and struggle in order to reach a functional state. There are relationships that just work, without us having to give up or change anything. Relationships where things are easy, there is a good rapport and lots of natural empathy.
Another important idea that appealed to my friend was the realisation that if a relationship doesn’t work, it does not necessarily mean that any of the parties is at fault. It’s not that “You always…” or “You never…” and that’s why we don’t work. That’s the mind trying to rationalise how life should fit into a box. If only I could put a ribbon on you, a plaster here and there… If only we would do less of this and more of that… then we would work, for sure! So, let me try to make you understand what we need to do here. Yes, we’re quarreling, just listen. Now that we’ve fully confused ourselves, let’s try to clear this mess up. By repeating the same sequence, every day.
I’m not sure if this sounds familiar to you, but it does to me. I was in that place and only now do I realise how difficult it was. And somehow I had brainwashed myself into thinking that that was normal. People around me contributed, I mean, doesn’t everyone go through the same kind of scenarios all the time?
I could now share with my friend that there is another way. A way where you don’t need to force anything and every day is one of a kind, because you get to spend it with someone who gets you and is truly happy to be with you, as you are. No quarrels, no sadness, no unhealthy jealousy or insecurities, no doubts and no fear.
My friend clicked with these ideas and was somehow able to grasp that it was no one’s fault and that it was obvious from the start that her relationship had major cracks.
She was able to gain an extraordinary ability to see how crippled she has been, not having felt like she can fully be herself and live as she is, a sharp, vibrant, joyous being.
I believe we are connected in very diverse ways to those people we surround ourselves with. One important element that I believe has to be present between two people who have a bond is enchantment. A sort of chemistry that makes you feel Good in that person’s presence. It’s a unique kind of vibe that feels breezy and natural. It’s not mental; it feels comfortable and safe. It is not over-excitement fueled by frenzied anticipation (as it often happens when we think we are in love).
Let us look for that enchantment in any kind of relationships we are building with those around us. Let us look for that ease and freedom where we can just be ourselves without having to prove or change a single thing. Let us find ourselves in others, remembering that not everyone is your “other”. But once you are there, you will know. No doubts, no fear.