From the first few days of hanging out together as potential boyfriend and girlfriend, I felt happy, relaxed and there was no trace of stress or worry.
I had no expectations whatsoever and I had not formed any thoughts in my mind about what I wanted. I had just left behind a complicated relationship and was still dealing with a newfound clarity that had been eluding me for years.
G was there, one of the many friends I had made while weaving a busy social life to distract me from what I was unhappy with in my personal life.
He was aware of my breakup struggle, without knowing too many details of what exactly went on. No one really did as I was putting up a thick front in the hope that things would eventually get better. Our friendship had always been of a polite, casual and almost intellectual sorts. We would talk about work and life, never getting too private about facts. I vaguely knew he had a brother he wasn’t close to and that his mum was struggling with a long-term illness. He knew that I was in a committed relationship and we had a common friend. Other than that, we probably knew ridiculously detailed facts about each other’s work as that was our main topic of discussion.
As my long-term relationship was coming to an end, I was dealing with going through a process of integrating my ‘shadow side’. Things I had kept hidden were being brought to light, all in a cathartic process of dealing with truths I had not allowed myself to see for years. My relationship wasn’t working and I hadn’t had the wisdom to deal with it maturely. I had been frivolous and there was no going back. I had created a life that I didn’t believe in. I had enveloped myself in a superficial layer of pretense and omissions. There was me and there was another me, a person doing things that I never thought myself capable of. A precious lesson in humility. Nothing left to judge in others once you’ve understood the process leading one to an undesired place.
All the nonsense was being brought to light to prove that there was no way back.
While carrying the weight of my own shadow on my shoulders, all I told G was, “I’m not the person you think I am. I’m screwed up.” And all he said was, “I know you’re not.” And somehow I believed him.
My friend, J, asked me recently, “So, how did you and G start dating? Like, did he ask you out or how did it happen?” It confused her that I didn’t have a straight answer.
We were friends and then we became more than that once we opened up more about who we really were. We started spending time together and everything was incredibly easy and flowing. Humorous synchronicities started manifesting around us. I would tell him I liked ‘Breakfast at Tiffany’s’ and we would hum the tune of Moonriver. In a couple of days we would realise that one of our random hang out places on the curb of a road was right in front of a shop called Moonriver. We would talk about my nagging landlord, Stella, for hours at end, trying to decipher how seemingly unreasonable people reason. Next thing we knew, G’s band member sent him the rough version of their next song, titled ‘Stella’.
I started being able to sleep deep and well at night. Although I was changing rents often in search of a cosy home, I felt good and unphased. What struck me most was the steadiness of how I felt. We seemed to be in synch all the time and there were no gaps. I wasn’t reflecting on what was happening or where it was leading to and I wasn’t projecting anything. It was more like I had a sense of wonder at how things were and I felt like we were always very present. It was as if he was reading my mind all the time and saying the right things, always at the right time. For a short while, I questioned my sanity, wondering if I was now living in a parallel universe where anything was possible, but maybe not real.
Slowly, I began to realise what was happening. I was dating someone and we seemed to be extremely compatible. But it never really felt like dating. It was something more that I did not need to frame. It just was and labels were unnecessary. And to call the kind of connection we established compatibility wouldn’t do it justice as it went way beyond that.
A few times, in my bewilderment, I felt like going and shouting out to people that it was real and that they were not crazy. What was real? I’ll let you think about that one.
Since all of these events took place, it’s been quite a journey for me. It feels radically different than before, even though the routines of my ordinary life may not seem exciting to an onlooker. Yet, it’s a path of living with clarity, gratitude and a renewed sense of purpose.
Another big change for me has been gaining an ability to filter out self-deceit in others. Fear and doubt are our faithful partners along the journey to personal growth. But many of my doubts and fears have lost their intensity, leaving enough space for me to hear the distinct echo of a voice we deny to exist. It’s, most of the times, an important message that can cure our doubts and support positive life-changes.
Well, everything is different now. It’s not easy to capture in what ways. We received a gift a year back that said:
Once in a while, in the middle of an ordinary life, Love gives us a fairy tale.
When I read ‘Love’ in the above quote, I think of Love as Connection, but also of Love as Awareness. Love as Choice. Love as You. Love as God. I’m addressing that part of you that Knows. Despite all the nonsense, the pain, the hurt and the questions, there is a part of you that simply knows that ‘what you seek, is seeking you.’