The Double-Edged Longing


These days I’ve been having a recurring thought that asked me to observe what I look forward to.

Well, I thought, I look forward to this and that, and the other thing. I have all these plans and visions. It’s thrilling really. The possibility, the uncertainty, the desire. But then, another thought came along, Yes, all that, but where are you right now?

For a moment, only a brief moment, I got it. I remembered those times when I had asked myself, What am I waiting for? What is missing right now?

Unlike some years back, I have an answer to that question: nothing. Somehow life has gifted me with everything I have ever dreamed of and more. Yet, there is a search, an expectation, a longing still.

I’m now learning that this longing is double-edged. On one hand, it extends our vision, creating more space for us to expand and become more of what we can be. On the other hand, it pushes us away from enjoying everything what we have already accomplished and all that we have already become.

So, I stopped. I stopped and I wondered,

What am I putting so much energy into?

When I got an answer to that, I continued,

Who am I doing it for?

Followed by,

Why am I doing it?

When I got to the last inquiry, things got interesting. My mind innocently offered me the answer. I was spending time and energy to accomplish goals that have been set by someone else so I can be acknowledged. So someone else can see I have it in me and I can do it.

Interestingly enough, once I identified the road map, I stopped worrying about it. Yes, I’m venturing into new territory, it involves people, worldly goals, practical tasks that won’t lead to spiritual enlightenment and that will cease to mean anything once they have been accomplished. But I chose this and, as long as I understand my own motives, there will be something to learn every step of the way.

Observing my choices impartially has also allowed me to understand that, beyond what I choose, beyond which way I go and what I do along the way, there is a constant – being aware of it all from the unique and original perspective I gain in the moment of the experience.

I’ve realised that I have to allow that longing to lead me into creative spaces where experiences are born, while always staying aware of that process of creation and of what it is adding to the present moment.

I understood that all experiences are equal, that we could be choosing one thing over another, and that all choices impact us differently, yet that does not mean they have a different value. Motivations may differ, results may vary, how we feel will definitely alternate in ways we cannot always predict or control; yet, all that matters is that we stay aware of where we are in every moment while remembering there is nothing lacking and nothing to be gained. All there is, is an appreciation of life as a gift of unique and inimitable present awareness of experiences.


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