In my previous post, How To Make a Relationship Work, I offered my view on why many couples seem to be facing issues in their relationships. In fact, there is only one main indicator that sets the tune of how the relationship will progress and it is obvious from the very start, if we are willing to see it. In the same post, I brought up the topic of noticing the emergence or lack of a particular kind of “core connection” which can guarantee the success or failure of a relationship.
Before we continue, I would like to highlight that I don’t truly believe in the word failure as all experiences we are faced with are important and valuable. What we sometimes deem as failure may in fact be a very necessary lesson that will catapult us to a more enhanced perception of life. There is no such thing as failure, yet this word can help us to differentiate between what we wish to create in our lives and what we do not. The events that we may have labelled as “failure” are simply that which we do not desire to experience.
To many, the successfulness of a relationship is determined, at least for a while, by what in my previous post I called “structure” of the partnership. Structure may be given by labeling, expectations, making commitments, doing things together, marriage, having children etc. These are all facts that we have learned to define as “relationship”. At the start of the relationship, our attention is very much focused on these aspects and on determining if they are present or not. Lack of some or most of these aspects leads one to conclude the relationship may in fact be unsuccessful.
If we take a closer look at those facts we search for when determining the potentiality of a romantic partnership, we may notice that most of them have to do with form. Our focus zooms in on details that presume “doingness” and external aspects. We assume that external actions such as committing, verbalising, signing a paper etc. are an indication of internal desires. We have this sort of conditioning and this is what prevents us from evaluating the deeper expressions of potential in a relationship.
Conditioning is also what makes us pay attention to what we were taught compatibility means. In the past, at least for me, compatibility meant having things in common. I was eyeing traits such as being sociable, extroverted, open-minded, someone with common hobbies etc. Some couples talk about liking the same music, being able to talk openly, having fun together. Other people say that opposites attract and that being at opposite ends of the spectrum will make a romantic partnership work. All these things have a significance, but they are by no means an indicator of relationship successfulness.
So, how do we identify if a person is right for us? In my previous post, I brought up the concept of “core connection”. I would now like to tie this concept to the idea of, not compatibility, but unique compatibility. What I call “unique compatibility” has nothing to do with having things in common and other notions that are associated with being compatible in a relationship. The usual ideas about compatibility have to do with thinking and logic. If we both (….), then it means it should work. In contrast, unique compatibility can’t be determined using logic. Moreover, logic can push us away from someone uniquely compatible as the usual signs are just not there.
To determine if we have a unique compatibility with someone we are interested in, we have to take a step back from what we think about ourselves and about the other person involved. By taking a step back I mean becoming neutral. This would require a deliberate act of setting aside intentions, expectations and wishful thinking. It would also imply distancing ourselves from our “persona”. After attending this process of shedding away our filters, we can enter a process of observation. What we need to look out for in our observational state is how we feel about this person next to us. Do we feel safe, do we feel good and at ease? Or do we feel pleasantly anxious, always wondering what they are thinking about us, trying to guess what is the right thing to say or do? How do we feel after we walk away from this person? Do we feel happy and able to focus on whatever we need to do? Or do we feel restless, waiting for a sign from them and weaving lots of “plots”on how this story might unravel?
I have come to learn, with total amazement, that what we have been taught to be signs of being madly in love are in fact trigger alarms that we are in the presence of someone we are not meant to be with. Feeling nervous, tightening of the stomach muscles (butterflies), sweats, overthinking mind, losing our grip of ourselves, thrill, hyped up state, loss of focus, inability to stop thinking and talking about that person or what is going on, and many other such signs of “being in love”, are in fact major trigger alarms that the potential relationship will not work. These signs are, in fact, our body and mind reacting to “danger”.
If we are in the presence of someone we are “uniquely compatible” with, we might experience feeling relaxed, feeling like we can be ourselves without trying to constantly adapt, being able to think, being able to listen and really hear the person next to us. Our mind is present, interested and engaged. We might feel so relaxed that we start thinking that we are in the presence of a good friend, not someone we are in love with. Once we part with this person, we have a sense of safety and peace. We have no thoughts that create expectations, anticipation or ardent desire. We often don’t set intentions about what we wish to happen and we maintain a sense of curiosity about how things will evolve. Compare expectation with curiosity.
Being next to someone we are uniquely compatible with, we might feel that the other person is very “present”. Present in conversation and present when we are not together. That person might look for us at just the right time which doesn’t create excitement, but feels like a confirmation of that presence we felt all the while which brings a sense of joy.
In a uniquely compatible relationship, things move slowly and there’s no need to rush for both parties. That sense of curiosity about this synchronous connection leads things in a positive direction without anyone pushing for anything. There’s a sense of flow and support from the outside environment. Things fall into place which enhances the curiosity and the ability to let go of control. Here’s a big one – the need for control is non-existent. The more we let go, the easier things fall into place.
Feelings such as safety, ease, peace, freedom, gentleness, knowing, quiet curiosity, synchronicity, reassurance are what make up the “core connection” we previously spoke of. I called it core connection because if feels like an energy blend that is “right”. It’s as if it’s flowing from one person to the other, creating a very pleasant fusion. This fusion is mysterious and inexplicable. No amount of rationalising can capture its substance. Even as we are away from our partner or potential partner, we maintain that energy signature around us being able to feel that person in a very reassuring way.
The “structure” of the relationship, which was mentioned earlier, emerges in a natural progression and bears no high significance to the connection itself. Commitments are not a burden, marriage doesn’t have a weight in itself and having children is not a given. All those elements may or may not be present, but whatever the case, the connection stands strong without wavering.
When some of my friends share their personal adventures with romantic relationships, I often hear questions such as, “How can I tell if this is really going to work? I really like her, but I’m not sure if I should push this forward.” Followed by a long list of pros and cons. Followed by a number of interpretations of simple acts such as how long has it been since she messaged. Followed by ups and then by downs. There’s a key moment right there – not knowing from the very start. Doubting it. It’s not easy to explain without oversimplifying it, but when you are in the presence of someone uniquely compatible, that doubt won’t be there. That trepidation, fretting, edge, high is not there either. It’s a totally different feel. At the start of the usual relationships, we want to know if it’s going to work out and that is on our mind a lot, but when we are uniquely compatible with someone, we inexplicably just know.
Being with a uniquely compatible partner is life-changing. Good things unfold easily, there’s a sense of feeling supported and things fall into place naturally. Circumstances change around us, but there is no fear and no doubt looming about. Other aspects of our lives take a new turn and we might find ourselves in a new job, a new community or tackling a new endeavour that we never expected to engage in. Events around us might not always be seamless, but we learn to approach them from a place of trust and safety. For finding that uniquely compatible partner opens a new doorway to how life operates, revealing a new unknown dimension – a space of extraordinary manifestations, a world of dreams come true.